August 21st, 2018.
It's been almost 3 years since my last post. Coincidentally, it is raining. The perfect mood for this kind of text.
I couldn't sleep right for days, I'm going broke, skipped class twice in a row, can't feel empathy for no one around me, I eat once or twice a day...but on top of that, despite me being affected by this fucked up feeling that I'm going to nowhere, I just can't do nothing about it.
My room is my messy universe. Can't remember the last time I actually got out of there and did something "fun" or "fruitfull" by my free will. For the past few days, I've been thinking to myself "What do I really want?"...Well, to be honest, I don't fucking know. You see, I think of my goals as extremely far away of reality. I can't keep a long-term plan and I'll soon tell you why. Often I find myself only fantasizing about me having a perfect life, where I'm successfull and happy. Usually, when I do this, I'm at bed, after rolling around, watching videos, hearing the first birds singing as the Sun comes up. Finally, I think "I'm wasting my life". I get desperate. That's the first problem on keeping a long-term plan. I usually try to make it out of desperation. Then, all the possible choices and scenarious come with pros and cons, wich I then spend hours and hours visualizing and not being able to try any of them because I get scared of the cons. "What if it goes wrong? What if I just waste my time again?" Then I roll over again and pop up another video that I have probably already seen. That's my fucking routine. It's funny that I can't sleep because I've always wanted the act of sleeping to be optional. For me, it is a total waste of time. We could do so many things in 8 hours...and now that I don't sleep I still don't do shit...
I read once a very cool phrase that I often repeated to myself in 2016. It said "the simple fact that you aren't where you wanted to be should be enough motivation". At the time, I had just graduated from High School, a fact that made me very sad as I've said it in a previoust post, and started to work on a Japanese factory. The job was easy, yet exhausting and fucking stressing. A dirty place with bitter people, a constant feeling that I was just "another pawn". I had in mind that it was temporary, that is was for a bigger purpose...but day after day that confidence was getting weakened. There was some point in time that I would just "wake up" in a blink and think "For how long have I been doing this shit?" It seemed like forever. And now that I feel that I basically wasted 70% of everything I worked for, financially and emotionally, I've been feeling the same way. My family always labeled me as lazy. The truth is, this laziness is just hopelessness. Lack of faith and will.
"Death is the biggest motivation of all"
Things like that do open my eyes a little bit. I know that I can't procrastinate this for much longer, otherwise things are gonna get really worse...I'm wasting my time. It is just hard to accept that the world has a very bad side. It is unfair, it is evil and it may put you down. Maybe sleep isn't so bad after all...since you forget you're in this goddamn reality. Am I too coward? Maybe...Am I a dreamer? For sure. I just gotta figure out a way to stop hiding behind dreams and actually chasing them...after all: IF YOU'RE NEVER WILLING TO GO TOO FAR, YOU'LL NEVER GO FAR ENOUGH IN LIFE.
I'm done...My writing is trash and I can't express anything else that I'm feeling anymore. Gotta work on it. It's been a while, guys!
